I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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