i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I love having hate sex.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
