I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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