I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
