I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
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