I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize