Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
