i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
