The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
