This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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