just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
