I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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