i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
