kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
