i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
