This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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