Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
