Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
