I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
