Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
