And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
