I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
