So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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