I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I want to have your abortion
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
