I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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