if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
whose parrot is this?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
