nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
