when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Randomize
