I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
