I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
