Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
