What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
