it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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