My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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