Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
