its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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