Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
