His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I want her autograph on my taint
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
