i would punch a child for taco bell
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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