Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
