I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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