jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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