she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
