come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
