I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
