It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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