The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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