I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
