There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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