hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
