Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
