She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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