OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
