You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
