Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
