I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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