Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
it's great music for shaving your balls
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
