I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
