He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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